Photo: Taal Sunrise (12-19-04)

Photo: Invincible (8-15-04)

Thoughts: Invincible

I can't sleep.

I feel I am standing on the edge of my destiny.

After months--no, years--of hoping and dreaming and having those dreams dashed into a million pieces, I sense that I am entering into a new season.

I have finally learned how to overcome frustration and disappointment.

I feel invincible.

This is a new day for me. . .

--Dec. 15, 2004

Photo: Moonlight Over Taal (5-4-04)

Thoughts: A Confession

This morning I received a text message from a distressed friend. “You know,” she confessed, “I don’t understand what’s causing this deep sadness. I maybe in a crowd, but I still feel so alone. I find myself crying uncontrollably. I don’t understand this at all.” I was tempted to quote a Bible passage, but instead revealed that I’ve been feeling the same way. I am crying with you, I texted back.

Yesterday I had a heart-to-heart talk with the members of the Bible study group that I am leading. At the risk of losing their respect, I told them about the faith crisis I am undergoing. The past months have been an emotional roller-coaster ride for me, having had to face turmoil in both my career and personal life. Now I honestly don’t know where my life is heading. I seem to have lost passion for the things I used to care deeply about and it scares me because I don’t think I can survive a long time just going through the motions.

I had always acted brave in front of them, not wanting to let my disappointment with God affect their growing faith, but last night I was beyond my breaking point. Their reaction surprised me. As we were about to pray, A, one of the jolliest girls I know, broke the silence. “Naiiyak ako ( I feel like crying),” she admitted. With that, C too began to get teary-eyed. Then our sobs turned to laughter as we frantically searched for tissue paper. I had expected condemnation, but what I got was an outpouring of love and sympathy.

Last night I told God, “ I may have misinterpreted all the things You told me, and have held on to promises that You didn‘t make, but I know I can still hold on to one thing, and that's Your love for me."

Thank you, A and C, for letting me experience God’s unconditional love at this difficult time. . .

--Written Dec. 6, 2004 (1:58 PM)

Photo: A chance meeting with Mr. Ryan Cayabyab at the Podium Mall eight years after singing at his 25th Anniversary concert, my last stint with the Ateneo Glee Club. (12-4-04)